The paradox of presence

How understanding what you don’t know can undermine your presence

When I was 20, fresh out of university and in my first HR job, one of the senior leaders told me they liked coming to me for advice because I didn’t waffle. I gave a clear, decisive response.

But it wasn’t wisdom. It was the confidence of not yet knowing how messy things could get. Back then, everything seemed black and white.

Fast forward two decades and I was now a senior leader advising people at the very top. I’m forever grateful for the feedback I got from a Director-General I worked closely with. He told me the only time he doubted me was when I started doubting myself. Whenever I verbalised that self-doubt, my presence wavered, and he could feel it.

By then I knew reality was messy, full of uncertainty, politics and complexity. And the habits that had once served me well, working hard, smoothing things over, holding back until I was sure, no longer held up in the storm. That is when the cracks show. Not only in confidence in yourself, but in the way others start to lose confidence in you.

How leader presence shapes team performance

Even though you’re delivering, your presence can leak doubt. Confidence can falter, and with it, trust and momentum. It can be exhausting, and leave you wondering, “If I have worked this hard to get here, why doesn’t it feel like enough?”

It’s because there’s a paradox about leadership presence.

Followers look to leaders for confidence, which research shows is contagious. A leader’s confidence spreads across teams, shaping trust and the willingness to act. Emotional contagion means leaders’ confidence directly affects team mood and performance.

However, research on authentic leadership also warns that leaders who always project certainty can lose credibility, as people notice the gap between their behaviour and reality.

Herminia Ibarra from the London Business School says in The Authenticity Paradox:

Too much confidence can come across as bravado, yet too much vulnerability can erode authority. True presence is found in being able to centre yourself—showing the courage to be open about your limits or concerns, while still holding steady for others.

That’s the paradox of Centred Presence: confidence and vulnerability, held together.

From emerging presence to centred presence

Presence is a bit like the suspension cables on a bridge. Confidence pulls one way while vulnerability pulls the other. If either side slackens, the whole structure falters. What holds is not a perfect midpoint, it is the tension itself.

Leadership that holds when everything shifts is forged in the ongoing pull between the two.

Over the past few years, I’ve been mapping this paradox into what I now call the Centred Presence model, where self, others, and system intersect. Alongside that, I’ve developed the Centred Presence Scale™, which describes how presence evolves over time, from Emerging through to Centred. I’ll share more on that in a future piece.

Next time you feel the tension, stop and consider these three points:

• Confidence – Am I projecting certainty to please or reassure, or because I am grounded in what I know?

• Vulnerability – Am I holding back, trying to keep it all together, or am I sharing just enough to create connection and bring others with me?

• Judgement – Am I discerning the patterns at play and making the choice that will move us forward, rather than slipping into habit or fear?

These are the moments that test presence. Not in how polished you look, but in how you steady yourself, choose, and keep leading through the storm.