Looking in the Mirror
When my daughter was younger—toddler, preschool, early primary—she was… intense.
Determined. Stubborn. Unshakably sure of her own mind.
Some days, it felt like she woke up already digging in her heels. If she set her sights on something, she’d fixate on it with laser focus—and good luck to anyone trying to redirect her. I used to joke: Where did this child come from?
Here’s one story.
She was doing her maths homework at the kitchen table. Her grandmother offered to help. So did I. Then her older brother. One by one, she dismissed us all.
Each of us, apparently, was “doing it wrong.”
Her grandmother was gently corrected: “We don’t do it that way anymore.”
I tried next. Same response.
Then her brother, only four years ahead in school, and the most recent to learn it.
Still wrong.
Eventually, we agreed I’d write a note to the teacher to check the method. Only then did she rest her case. She was certain she was right—and that we were all out of touch.
As it turned out, she wasn’t right.
But that wasn’t really the point.
For a long time, I couldn’t work out where her fierce certainty came from.
Until I remembered the scrambled eggs.
I must have been five. I hated scrambled eggs—still do. One morning, I was told I had to finish what was on my plate before I could leave the table.
I sat there for hours. I wouldn’t budge.
Eventually, they gave up.
And I haven’t touched scrambled eggs since.
What I could see in her—I finally recognised in myself.
Why Self-Awareness Shapes Our Impact
Leadership, like parenting, holds a mirror up to us. It’s easy to notice what frustrates us in others. Harder to see what it’s reflecting back.
Self-awareness isn’t about blame. It’s about noticing the patterns we carry—so they don’t quietly run the show.
Because here’s the thing: We can appear calm and still leak rigidity. We can seem supportive and still resist change. We can pride ourselves on being open-minded—and still shut down the one view that challenges our own.
Leadership that looks steady from the outside isn’t the same as leadership that holds.
The leadership that holds, especially in complexity, begins on the inside.
Until we recognise the part of us that’s reacting, protecting, or proving…
We can’t reliably choose how to respond.
It’s like driving a car that subtly pulls to one side. At first, you don’t notice. You adjust without thinking. But the longer you drive, the harder it is to ignore the drift.
That’s what happens when we don’t check what’s pulling at the wheel in our leadership.
A story we’ve outgrown. A reflex we haven’t questioned. A tension we haven’t named.
It’s rarely catastrophic—but it compounds.
Unless we notice it, we’ll keep compensating—without realising what it’s costing us.
Daniel Goleman, who helped bring emotional intelligence into the leadership mainstream, calls self-awareness the keystone skill—not because it feels good, but because it lets us recognise what’s happening internally before it spills outward.
Dr Susan David puts it this way:
“Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional agility. It allows you to step out of your emotions and choose how you’ll respond.”
Dr Susan David, Emotional Agility
The leaders who hold steady aren’t always the most confident. They’re the ones who’ve done the inner work to understand what’s shaping their responses before the moment demands it.
What frustrated me most about my daughter was her stubbornness.
But it was mine too.
Noticing The Pattern
Self-awareness doesn’t always arrive as insight. Sometimes it arrives as irritation.
And that’s the risk in leadership.
We think we’re responding to someone else’s rigidity. But what if we’re protecting our own?
We believe we’re pushing for clarity. But what if we’re just uncomfortable with uncertainty?
These aren’t flaws. They’re patterns.
The sooner we notice them, the more choice we have.
So before you ask: What’s the next right move?
Ask:
- What’s being activated in me right now?
- Where have I seen this pattern before—in me?
- And what would change if I responded to the moment, not the memory?
That’s the kind of pause that makes leadership intentional.
That’s what lets it hold—not just for others, but for yourself.
Noticing the pattern is one thing. Working with it is another. If you’re ready to lead from a deeper place of awareness, I offer 1:1 coaching for leaders who want to move forward without dragging the past behind them. Book a call to explore whether we’re a fit.
